I’ve mentioned the fact I’ve been doing nano for several years now. This would be year seven. Weird to think I’ve managed that. It was a year before I published that I first did nano. It was the push I needed to publish. A random friend told me about the challenge. By then I had completed a novel. I had many completed shorts. I had several not completed novels in progress.
I needed that push.
I have always written. There is a reason I got the writer’s award in high school. Only one person in the grade could get the poetry/journal reward. Just one. That was me. I proved to several English teachers I had potential, talent, and skill.
But I didn’t have a push. I didn’t have someone say my writing was good. Or my ideas were good. Or that I could do it.
Nanowrimo did that. The people I met during my first time writing 50k in a month told me my idea was amazing. That I should look into publishing. That I wasn’t a fool for writing like I did.
I met several more people through the group. So many who told me I had talent.
I am an author because of Nanowrimo. I would have never stuck my foot out like I have without it. I was always a writer. I have stories galore. To publish though, I needed Nanowrimo’s push.
This would be year seven. Seven years where I finished more than 50k words in less than a month. It was always more than in less than. Because by the time I found it, I didn’t need it for my writing skills. My ability was there. Even the butt-in-chair, fingers-on-keyboard skill. I figured that out in college.
This year… I’ve been weighing joining the month long challenge for a while. My hope within my writing has diminished. All those comments about I could be an author were fluff. As much as I’ve tried, I can’t do it. The biggest thing I can’t do? I can’t push my book. It’s my pride and joy. I love it. I can talk endlessly about it. But to bring up? To ask people to buy it? People have crapped on my words too often. When I ask for something in that frame, it’s thrown away. Or it feels that way.
Is it because those who told me I had skill were lying? Do I suck as an author? I haven’t succeeded. Is it even possible? Do I have a skill or not?
I’m going with I don’t have any skill writing. That’s how it feels. And no one has made me feel differently. Those rare voices saying I’m a great author were my brain playing tricks on me. Those people don’t actually exist.
I was a fool for thinking I had talent, skill, patience, or ability.
This year I don’t think I’m doing Nano.
I was weighing things. With the new site change and the new New Jersey groups throwing us all about it’s… No. I’m done.
I’ve lost the fight.
I’ve lost the battle.
I’ve lost the war.
I won’t stop writing.
I can’t stop writing.
And since I can’t, I’ll still go through the work to get a published copy. I’ll still go through edits and rewrites and readalouds trying to find errors. But it will be for me. It will be so I have a copy of my work. That I can say I did that.
I can’t focus on how few people care about that.
I won’t be writing on the forums.
I won’t tell anyone about my book there.
I won’t figure all the new features out.
I’m no longer interested in their kind words.
Because they were false words.
Seven years writing a novel in a month. I’ve written so many words over the last seven years. So many stories completed. So many novels done. I’m not in the same position as I was in seven years ago.
I won’t go back to that person.
I can only go forward.
I don’t know what that means, but I’m not going to fight for the author label. It’s a fool’s job.
Just… What else can I do? My body shut down for half the day today. I had no ability to do anything. I can’t work. I can’t fight. I don’t even have the will to find a doctor who can help me. Because of how many times they’ve called me crazy.
Maybe that is why I fell for this trap. Finally someone called me something other than crazy. I was considered more than worthless scum.
But I am worthless scum.
Why is anyone trying to persuade me otherwise?
I’m a fool for believing kind words. I can’t continue on hope and dreams. They don’t help anyone.
It’s a great group though. I wish anyone else luck with their story this November.