Big Goals II

[About Cat Hartliebe]

Read my first blog on this topic. It feels as if I’m ranting more than anything. This is me figuring out how to get where I want to be. I don’t care if anyone reads it or likes. My Big Goals

The reason I’m making these post is for those who end up like me. Who get caught and stuck and want to know they aren’t alone. That feeling is far worse than the one where people make fun of you for feeling something a certain way.  It’s better to be honest. As long as your life isn’t on the line.

And before I start: as much as Cat Hartliebe isn’t getting me anything, I’m not stopping. Cat Hartliebe is for me.

1. I want an income that supports me.
2. I want a job to call my own.
3. I want a family I can lean on and trust.
4. I want a body that doesn’t try to die every other day.

How can I do this? I have a job to call my own. Cat Hartliebe is my author name. It’s one of a kind. I have made triple digit income now. I’m proud of what I can do and have done as Cat Hartliebe. They matter. They are someone to be proud of. Just because they aren’t known enough to make a real difference in my income doesn’t mean they aren’t important. Fuck number of sales and profit. I’m writing for me. I’m proving I can do it. Who cares if anyone knows. They will. At some point my skills will become known. I’ll help someone. I’ll heal someone. I’ll bring someone hope. Who cares if today isn’t that day. One day Cat Hartliebe will truly matter to someone.

How can I produce an income that supports me? Not as an author. That’s not happening. Not yet. What can I do? What do I want to do? What am I willing to do? I have a lot of talents. Too many it feels like. What can’t I do? I’m not great with conversation, although I’m not where I started. I can debate and perform on stage. I can show off and accept all attention on me without fear. It’s shocking to be able to say that. I cannot handle abuse. Beyond that I’m willing. My preference for jobs are science, modeling, writing, and computers. Not sure where those skills can lead me. I wonder. Cat Hartliebe isn’t going anywhere. Is my health strong enough to support me in another field? Not to mention I really need to go from making nearly nothing to making more than 20k a year or it won’t be worth it. Unless I can somehow clear my debt and get a stable situation going. Honestly 20k a year isn’t enough. Goal: 50k/year job. All while only having enough energy for 20 hours. Hm… Not sure.

Family… Ehh? How do you create a family from nothing? I don’t know. Help me out. I’m lost on this one.

Body that… *sigh* Fighting to get a diagnosis is… It doesn’t feel worth it. There are so many bullshit medical professionals. I’ve been called crazy by them more than any other. And without people backing me up on my ills… Do I need a family first before managing this issue? How can I manage a income that’s 50k/yr (or even 20k/yr) without having a body that works?

Is this a catch 22? I can’t easily get a job while medically weak. I can’t handle the pressure and fight that figuring out my medical issues without the support of a family. I can’t get a family. I’m not sure how the fuck to get a family.

My attempts in the past to leave my family and get a new one were bad. I’ve been engaged. I’ve failed relationships. I’ve sought children. That was the wrong route. How does anyone get lucky with relationships? How does anyone get lucky with a family? Why is it I got fucked here? Who decided that?

Okay, breathe. Now. Step one seems to be… IDK. I’m not giving up on Cat Hartliebe. They can get me all of the above. With time. With practice and patience. I don’t have much of that left. Nor do I have hope. A full year trying. It lead me…? Where? Where am I? Still at the bottom. It feels as if I just managed to get the stupid success ball to the bottom of the mountain. That’s all. I rolled it to the mountain side. How the fuck do I get it up the hill?

If Cat Hartliebe jumps from an unknown to a best seller, I could manage things. If I can support myself and Cyro as an author, I can focus on that while getting the rest of my life handled.

Am I asking for too much?

Damnit.

1. I want an income that supports me.
2. I want a job to call my own.
3. I want a family I can lean on and trust.
4. I want a body that doesn’t try to die every other day.

1. An income to support me. The real number I’m looking for that can fully support me is 50k/yr. That’s not insane. I swear it’s not. However I never made 10k/yr before. I’ve been a failure with income always. It’s been part time work. I’ve focused on school. I’m medically unable to handle a full time job. But even when the job required a degree, I still made crap. This economy sucks. How can I manage anything like this? To make 50k in a year as an author means I sold 50,000 books in a year. I’m not even triple digits yet this year. I don’t see how that’s possible. (Technically, I am triple digits “sold”; it’s just most were free.)
A. Science: I would love to use my degree. I can work in a lab or out in the field. My health will limit me in this field.
B. Modeling: Something I’ve always wanted to do. It can be quick payouts meaning higher income for less time working. Not sure how I’d enter the field.
C. Computers: I can do basic software and hardware work on a computer. I can handle an IT job in a normal business. I lack resume eligible experience and education. Just because I can doesn’t mean I could find someone who’d believe me.
D. Writing: That’s not working, next.
E. Mentoring/Tutoring: I don’t see any way this can earn me real income. I wish it was possible. My skills are wasted right now. All of them.
The biggest issue is my health limits me a lot. I can’t tell work “sorry, I can’t get out of bed today”. So that means Health comes first.

4. How can I get a body that isn’t dying? I need a doctor who listens. And a support team to help me find doctors and get me there and support me through the chaos and procedures that would come with. Like I have to prove I have seizures. They would aim to induce one. I have to prove I’m autistic. I have to prove my health is less than normal. Because without proof I’m just a crazy human who doesn’t deserve belief. I’m not going to like or even accept this abuse without a proper team and support. I can’t fight for my health without a family supporting me.

3. Family to lean on and trust. I don’t got one. I’ve been searching for one for a long time. The search has lead me no where. But I do know the one who is called my family isn’t good for me. Living in this environment sends me closer to the spiral. A real family wouldn’t do that. They never helped me get medically better even though this has been an always thing. I was never supported in a career or in school. Treated like crap. I need out. I’ve known this. But where to go? I can’t just take Cyro out. I need someone I can lean on and trust. Dominik and Heather are my closest allies and I don’t trust them as family. They aren’t qualified to that level. Best friends, sure. Family? No. I need a new family. Where does one find such a thing?

I could just leave if I had my health or a stable 50k/yr job. Either one. But I have nothing.

I need someone.

No. I don’t need anyone. That’s not it. It’s easy to blame others for your own problems. The problems really are based elsewhere. But that doesn’t help. What can I do to fix this? How can I get out of this hole I find myself in?

What goals can I set before myself to help in these fields?
….
….
….

IDK!!!!

Damnit.

Knowing I have some level of success helps. But I have no idea how to better my situation. I’m not in a stable situation. I don’t have the necessary support. I need more than I have in multiple ways. How can I get them? What do I have to do? What can I do?

Last year when I realized the situation, I aimed for Cat Hartliebe. I can write even when my health is low and my situation is poor. At least I can do this. And I have. I’m more than 20 books on market. I’m not going to give up either. But it’s not getting me anywhere. My skill making these books beautiful is… No one expects a self published author to have any real skill. I put so much time and effort into what? What do I get out of this? It feels like nothing. Yet…I have received positives. I’m not a failure. I can guarantee that. I’m just unknown. That’s when getting a proper circle is valuable. And my circle needs to be revamped completely.

What’s the next step?


FYI: I still don’t know what to do. A year later and I’m really no better off either. *sigh*

[About Cat Hartliebe] [Cat Hartliebe’s Books]

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