Interest

[About Cat Hartliebe]

A friend mentioned G Dragon when I said I was claiming July as dragon month. As you may have guessed, I am in love with the guy.

I’ve mentioned before, he’s the only celeb who has managed such a consideration. Literally no one else.

I wish I found someone who hit all my notes and is within reach of me.

But I guess hitting all my notes would put them out of my reach. Once you mix creative, confident, and financially stable… Yeah, hitting my notes means no chance for me.

I am one of thousands who love the singer/musician/idol/songwriter. So I’m not alone in the interest.

I wonder how many though are in love with the human behind the mask. I didn’t fall for the superstar stage performer.

Weird, right?

Or maybe that’s normal for me. As I said I don’t have any other favorite celebs. I have no interest in celebrities.

It’s not that I would treat them less. I already pointed out creatives hold interest for me. As well as intelligence which many have. I could have long conversations with many who are within the field of high profile or fame.

Then why wasn’t I caught by anyone else?

I’m going with… He hits the right notes. I couldn’t even tell you which notes they are.

It’s like I was seeking without searching.

Was I seeking Kwon Jiyong? As in him specifically? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll find another who fits all the requirements. There’s a lot. It’s a weird assortment.

I wouldn’t even expect it to work as a relationship. Because even if he hits so many notes, there’s plenty that aren’t in sync. I don’t even have to get close to know that.

That’s being human.

We’re human.

Loving G Dragon has nothing to do with his nickname. (Dragons are the best.) Or the fact J is how he starts he name. (J is my favorite letter.) Those aren’t notes on my list.

Why then has he stolen my heart?

He doesn’t even know he has it. It’s just one in his massive pile of lovelorn fools. We’re caught on a pretend, an impossible. I’m just one of thousands.

Do I regret it? I don’t think so. This is a safe answer. I can’t foolishly attach myself to anyone. I do that. If I get close to someone, I get romantically attached. I’m the real fool. Do I really want to just give up on relationships?

I don’t know. I joke about doing anything if GD asked. Then again… Is it a joke? I’d probably regret not agreeing. After I figure out if it’s a truthful request.

It’s a nice fantasy.

It’s like tossing all my cards and getting a royal flush in return. I would be shocked more than anything. How likely is that? Impossible, right? (Actually, it’s 0.000154% chance.)

It helps. He helps. He doesn’t know I exist, but he helps me keeping going.

More than anything, I wish I could do the same. I won’t shove him on a pedestal. I can’t treat him as if a statue. He’s still a human. He isn’t different than me. Not in so many words. Not knowing I exist isn’t abnormal. Lots of people don’t know me. Me being one of thousands interested isn’t strange either. Lots of people have a massive collection of interested people.

Seeing him and his accomplishments is… It’s empowering. We’re both more alike than different and he succeeded. I won’t be the singer and dancer that he is. I’ll never manage that. But we’re both creatives. Fighting for a position of awareness so we can take our abilities to newfound heights is… It’s possible.

He proves with hard work and dedication it’s possible.

So I haven’t given up writing. I keep plugging away making errors all over the places.

Still it feels as if I brought a spoon to a knife fight.

And it’s as if he brought a gun to the knife fight. So within my love for him, I also have jealousy.

Gah. This is frustrating.

My interest in G Dragon is complicated. I love him. He’s a person I look to for inspiration and a little push. It’s a support I need and don’t have.

He doesn’t need such a support from me. He has tons of people to lean on.

I don’t.

Go ahead and tease me about my “boyfriend”. I’m not looking for anyone else right now. I listen to him to feel better. It’s a boost. He wrote the songs I was always looking for.

I can’t even tell him thanks.

As much as I wish I could offer support and boost to GD as a return to the help he offered me, there is literally nothing I can say or do.

All I can do is hope one day he gains my desired offerings. Perhaps not from me, but from someone. Someone will offer him the freedom of being considered a human before a superstar. Someone will give him support so he can keep moving forward. Someone will comfort him when all the bad media shows up.

What I wouldn’t give for that comfort. Stalkers suck.

But knowing that, I’ll never seek G Dragon any more than I already have. I don’t want to know everything about him. I’m creepy enough. He needs his personal space. Unless he wants me to know all his tattoos, I’ll never know. As much as I wish to offer a hug, even if manage to get face to face with him, I couldn’t even offer. Without clear consent, I’ll support from the safety of the last row of seats.

As long as I don’t hurt him I can love him. From a distance. For as long as I want.

It’s better than falling for another friend. That’s been a mistake every time. At least I know up front this is hopeless.


[About Cat Hartliebe] [Cat’s Personal Kwon Jiyong playlist]

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