The first time I published was September 20, 2013.
Seven years ago. Cursed Items came into the world as my first published ebook. (Cursed Items Series of Shorts (Amazon and Smashwords) and Trouble Royals (Amazon) now exist with an updated version of Cursed Items.)
And what have I accomplished during this time as an author?
I think all I managed was to say that I was an author. That I wasn’t just a published writer.
I’m not confident when I say I’m an author. I’m not confident anyone would be interested in my books.
This is the main reason I shouldn’t’ve gone through self publishing. I know there are plenty of traditional routes that would still leave me with the bulk of selling duties. And that’s after pressing hard for someone to even notice me.
But someone would be already saying “yes”, “this is great”, “people will love it”.
I do have people who say that. Readers who spend time reading my books between the large collection of authors already on their shelves. I’ve had the compliments that weren’t just to make me feel better. (I had those too. They never make me feel better.)
I’ve had off the cuff remarks.
I’ve had support from various people.
So why is it every other day I look at my total sales and the years I’ve done this and the books I’ve published… and still feel like I haven’t managed anything?
What is my goal?
Before I mentioned wanting to gain an wiki page. Which is cool, I guess, but largely useless. I wouldn’t even know what someone would write about me. I’m a nobody with a nobody view.
Others suggest fanart, fanfiction, or a large following that would say success in the field.
Maybe a movie deal or tv series. Netflix hasn’t called me. I wouldn’t know if that would make me more confident.
The biggest one is making enough money to support themselves.
Really… I don’t care about any of that. I mean, I should care. I can’t support myself. My health is trash. I’m trash. I don’t deserve being supported or being able to support myself. Ask my father. He’s pretty clear how worthless and useless and a POS I am.
What I have always wanted to do is help others.
I want to help the Earth.
I want to help others feel confident and capable.
I want others to not feel this loneliness.
I want to show the world it’s loved.
I’m asking for too much.
The only way I’d managed to succeed at this is with fame. I wouldn’t manage fame well. I can’t manage people calling my name across the room.
Perhaps that’s another reason I don’t use my name. Maybe I want to stay lost in the crowds as Catherine Gillette.
Then stand forward as Cat Hartliebe and give everyone the hope you need.
The world is burning.
I don’t like it.
My writing is my way to tame the fire, control the tears, and heal as many as I can reach.
It feels as if I can’t reach those who need my healing. And I haven’t a clue how to find them. So I keep writing. I keep publishing. I keep going in hopes those who are lost can be found. Those who needs my words can find them.
Or I’ll die a Loser because that’s how life typically goes.
I should celebrate seven years in. Maybe a giveaway. Maybe a sale.
Happy Puppy has a free smashwords coupon until the 28th: ET97X
If you could pick any of my books for a sale or giveaway which one would it be?
From which website?
How can I prove to myself that I’m a real author?